we all experience doubt and despair from time to time. this raw poem was a breakthrough in detailing my doubt, not in God as such, but my place in the church. the accompanying nude photo was pushing boundaries, sticking it up to the church, who have long-sidelined my vision.
deleted: all emails, ever sent or received/questioned: all i once fervently believed/edited: too many tears, all easily cried/ friendships: tested, tempered and tried – some found wanting, some still true; where will these new paths take me to?
purged: seventies music long collected/ internet unplugged: socially disconnected/ unsubscribed: abstract news unwanted/ blessings: held in check, doubts: granted/ absent: good soul friend eagerly esteemed – were narratives naieve, too easily dreamed?
prayer: after decades, now silent, unspoken/ bible: shut tight, no longer cracked open/ hope: still humming but slightly subdued/ fellowship: stripped down to just a few/ ecccentric this pilgrim in a heartless land: how strong now his once hopeful hand?
chase this ferry across the Irish sea/ prove persistent amazing grace to me/ i hesitantly cross the thin red line/ i no longer expect any special signs/ my dreamy head now close shaved / currently trying hard to be well behaved.
this pilgrimage unwanted, not wished/ too long my Father not kissed/ celebration needed, cigar-smokey room/ burnt mahogany censes trad-jazz tunes/ strange hijera, rod and staff declined: recalibration required for heart and mind…
photo: Dora Kazmierak https://www.instagram.com/dorakazmierak/
” …I can’t take it much longer.When you put us through the fire to purge us from our sin, our dearest idols go up in smoke. Are we also nothing but smoke?” – Psalm 39 excerpt