Goodbye, au revoir, slan

i guess the saddest thing any parent has to do is bury a baby. for me the second saddest thing was for the anticipating sibling to have to experience  grief a such an early age…that was incredibly painful.

i wrote an early version of this poem for the funeral of my daughter, Holly I.M. April 1st, 1994.

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  • Oh, Holly! how hard to cradle
    your dark-haired head,
    your limp-dead body,
    in my useless embrace.
    How could I make your anxious
    eyes respond with a baby smile?

    How could I? How could I?

    Your mouth shaped by mute cry.
    Was that athletic kicking a death wrestle?

    Was it? Was it?

    Empty hours passed,
    this coward’s
courage grew,
    I held your cold, light body.
    I stroked your petal-peeling skin.
    Heavy-hearted I kissed
    your crumpled, frowning forehead –

    once …. just once ….

    “Put these tears in Thy bottle.
Are they not in Thy book?”

    Goodbye, goodbye, au revoir, ‘slán’
    –
little daughter briefly met,
    little Lawrence kissed you
    through ballooned belly.
    O How he happily hugged you.

    Broken-hearted, drowning in grief,
    this our last lingering look 
at you,
    in your padded white ark,
    the lid clicks shut, locked tight.
    We hand-tighten stubborn screws
    we almost snap with grief’s strain.

    Little girl, little known except to God.
    How plain, how lonesome
    your small, white coffin looks,
    flowers forgotten,
    O painful pilgrimage;
    hopeful sojourners, we follow you.

    Oh, Holly – our lifetime compressed:
    death & birth in two traumatic weeks …
    we bury you under flowers
    under the Father’s sentinel gaze.

    I envy Jesus carring you now,
    a loved lamb on shepherd-shoulders.
    I want to hear your girlish giggle,
    I ache to see you daintily dance,
    I long to see you created anew.
    I yearn for resurrection.
    Cast open sorrow-graves:

    “When Jesus comes back,
    she’ll be alive.
    Isn’t that right, Daddy?
    Isn’t it….?
    When is Jesus coming back?
    Tomorrow….??”

    ___________________________________________________

    “He will wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All that has gone forever”.
    Rev: 21.4

    A video-short about Holly’s life, as seen by her siblings

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